As my mood-icon to the right indicates, I'm feelin' a bit quiet and introspective right now. My wife and I are still together at this point but I don't know one day to the next what to expect. I'm trying to just stay open to life as it unfolds and take the actions of kindness and compassion the best I can.

Thanks to thoes of you who have offered your support and kind words in the past few days, they really are appreciated!

I just wanted to share a prayer of sorts that just flowed out of me today and has been a comfort to me in this time of difficulty:

Sitting in the stillness of body and breath, I let go of everything and open myself to God's Grace, that he may give me what I need to have victory over my anger today.

~ jhs, August 18th 2003.

In place of the word anger as I used it above, you can substitute whatever the current character defect of the moment is for you (fear, resentment, greed, etc.).

Today my life feels like it’s in turmoil. My wife and I tried to talk some things through this weekend and it did not go well at all. She wants to try a trial separation. I’m not for it. I want Amy to have daddy living at home. And maybe selfishly, I want to be there on a daily basis for her.

My wife says she’s maxed out emotionally and physically with all that she has on her plate (Amy, her health issues, Nursing school, money worries, working on our marriage). Something has to go and she’s decided that maybe it should be me (for a while). Ouch, that hurt.

I tried to ask her how she saw this working out (logistics, money, etc.) and all she could say was “I don’t know”. I don’t know either. I just don’t know...

Ok, I’m opening up a little bit more here then I normally do. I’ve kept the challenges of married life out of these pages for the most part, but they are now such a major part of my life and practice that I feel it’s time to let some of it out here.

Had a session with C. last night, first one in a long time. C. is our marriage counselor as well as the wifey’s individual counselor (and now mine as well).

Topic of the hour was my frustrations over wifey’s decision in the last marriage counseling session to not have any more joint sessions until I was back going to individual sessions for a while. Man, that really pissed me off!!! I totally took it as a statement of “lets put this whole thing on hold till you get YOUR act together”. Oh yeah? Well, fuck off then!!!!

No, I didn’t really say that. I wanted to at the time but that would have been my selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate and afraid Ego just lashing out at her. She doesn’t deserve that. I did express how frustrated that made me and also how hurt it made me feel. Hurt to hear that wifey didn’t want to continue to work out our issues together. Hurt because I felt like she blamed me for the current shit we’re going through.

I’ve tried to take these feelings back with me to the cushion. I did on a couple of occasions, but it was hard. I didn’t want to just sit there with these intense feelings whirling around inside me.

I just don’t know anymore...

The best I can do right now I just take each day, each moment as it comes and just do what needs to be done (for my family, my wife, my daughter, my employer and myself). Funny how I put myself last in that list. I know I need to put myself first. The flight-attendants remind me of this every time I take a trip on an airplane, you’d think it’d sink in eventually.

This is where I am today, sorry if this is bringing any of you down, down, down... [56] [100]

I don’t know what it is (was), but last night as I sat up in bed reading the AA big book, the thought of getting up and sitting zazen came to me and the strong resistance that usually follows that thought wasn’t as strong as it has been. So, I got up and sat zazen for a while. It wasn’t a marathon 45 minutes sitting by any stretch of the imagination, but I sat with myself and my breath nonetheless.

After posting yesterday about my frustrations around this, I feel more at peace with myself today. May I cultivate this positive energy for the good of all beings (including myself) today.

Gassho.

Everyday I deal with these negative feelings surrounding my not being able to sit zazen. I want to practice. Maybe I don't want it bad enough? I don't know. I do know that these negative feelings that I generate around this issue is not helping me. I need to be kinder to myself and realize that some days I may not get to sit on my buckwheat hull zafu facing a blank white wall. Rather, I may have sat in my office chair, made my body as upright as possible, and spent 5 or 10 minutes practicing durign the day. Is one "better" than the other? No, I don't truely think so by that's what my ego tells me.

Accept my life right where I am today. Sitting at home on the zafu, sitting at the office on the chair or not sitting at all. what ever my life is right now is what it is.

Added this entry to my links:

• Ordinary Mind Zendo - This Zendo is in the tradition of Charlotte Joko Beck. The teacher here is Barry Magid. What I like about this site is the teachings page and the writings by the sangha members. What they share here I find very helpful in encouraging my daily practice.

Been dealing with some pent up anger recently. My lovely wife said something to me the other day that just really pissed me off! Looking back on it now it’s really silly (isn’t it most always the case?), but at the time I was in that place where anything would set me off.

I wanted to so much just go off on her but being aware of this right there in the moment of my anger, I just walked myself up to the bedroom and sat down on my cushion, facing the white wall and proceeded to just feel my feelings. After a while I began being aware of my breathing then transitioned to trying to count my breaths. It was very difficult; the anger kept resurfacing and bubbling up. I tried not to push it away. I just worked on returning to breath counting.

In about 5 minutes I felt much better and was able to see what triggered my anger for what it really was.

This practice really works! I am very grateful today for my practice.

Added this entry to my links:

• Austin Zen Center & Zenkei-ji Buddhist Temple - Here's a cool Zen Center web site. AZC is in the tradition of Suzuki-roshi and has a nice one page summary of Soto Zen.